The first time I met 李⽼师 (teacher) was because of a familial challenge at home. He was
introduced to me by a friend.
My 18-year-old daughter had left home for three months. She would occasionally contact her mother. The primary concern was that she was living with her boyfriend who was then having troubles with the law.
I have three sons but only one daughter and as a father, I was unable to accept that she ran away
from home, gave up her bright future for her desire to socialize with a dubious and undesirable person who was constantly on the fringe.
I have consulted many people before meeting with Teacher Li. Since my age is older than him, I
was awkward to address him as ⽼师 “teacher” so I could only call him “Mr. Li”.
Consulting Teacher Li was a turning point to my family challenges. He had accurately assessed
where the challenges lied and encouraged me to make adjustments in my attitude while
communicating with my daughter.
I didn’t agree with his point of view at the beginning. As the man in the house, it was important to set out the rule in the house. The main responsibility of a parent is to convey the right values to children. I couldn’t bear to compromise and allow my child to continue their wayward behaviour when obviously it was clearly a mistake. His recommendation was, in my opinion, detrimental to a father’s dignity.What Teacher Li suggested has also undermined my family rules and norms that were stemmed from the Chinese traditional family values. In addition, I have the responsibility to set the right example for my sons that family rules cannot be compromised.
Teacher Li intervened by a parents-child role play- he simulated a conversation with me, my
wife and our daughter. After several sessions of role playing, I gradually discovered that I am
able to better empathized with my daughter. Teacher Li thus suggested that I could try to break
the deadlock between my thought patterns and the communication styles. It was very difficult
for me at the beginning because I have always been a father with authority but under the pain
of no counter measures and my wife’s persuasion, I told myself that I must give it a try. The
breakthrough came when my daughter started to respond to me instead of talking to my
wife only. My daughter returned home during the holiday season for that year.
The journey for the subsequent next two years were tough, the adjustments had often than not
made my heart filled with self-doubt, self-blame and endless confusions. Though my daughter
and I started to interact, there were still constant conflicts that left me in despair. I am very
grateful to Teacher Li for his patience and tolerance towards my bad temper. Although I often
ended my conversation with him annoyed, I would make sure that I would invest time and effort
to reflect on his guidances in hope for a better father and daughterrelationship.
My daughter is now 25 years old and has since returned to school. Although there were regrets
of her wasting her youth for that few years and could not graduate with her peers, I am still
comforted that my relationship with my daughter has improved tremendously. The change in my
parenting and communication style have resulted in a more intimated relationship with my sons as
well.
I really appreciated Teacher Li’s guidances. If I have not un-learnt by past parenting style and
re-learnt how to be a better and empathetic father, my daughter could perhaps, still be wandering
out there or engaged in illegal activities, even imprisoned with her boyfriend.
